treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay,
the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp."--Bob Ettinger
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same."--Oscar Wilde
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire
you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to
tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn
slower?"--Warren Hutcherson
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh."--Conan O'Brien
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself."--Mark Twain
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
"Keep away from children."--Author Unknown
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."--Paul Rodriguez
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Afghanistan."--A. Whitney Brown
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully
in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."--Drew
Carey
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."--Jeff
Foxworthy
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying
to teach you how to swim.'"--Paula Poundstone
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
learner."--Lynda Montgomery
"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"--Richard Jeni
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead."--Johnny Carson
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and
that's the law."--Jerry Seinfeld
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you
a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of
that!'"--Dave Barry
Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was
taken.--Unknown, presumed deceased
"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have
another beer."-- W. C. Fields
