I want to tell you something I've come to realize, and just learning how to appreciate. Every sincere, positive comment you make to another person has the real ability to make a sincere, positive impact in the world. It literally spreads light in dark places. Even though it may seem small and insignificant, it is HUGE!
Someone tried to share my post with an ex-husband in hopes he would become a better man and father. Unfortunately his reaction was to be a tough guy, which is not what being a man is all about.Fortunately another person, Stevie XXX, a beautiful woman who is even more brilliantly beautiful on the inside, chose to be "more of a man" in her reaction, and is responsible for inspiring the original, "Be MORE of a MAN" post. She is in a relationship, and I feel comfortable saying our friendship is genuine, and therefore her compliments are real, and empowering. Without her choosing to feel inspired versus threatened, and sharing that with me, she wouldn't have inspired a write inside of me that seems to have affected inspiration inside of so many others.
Every person who has made a positive/constructive comment and message since it's posting HAS made the world a better place by CHOOSING to see what he or she could get out of it, and then spreading whatever light it had onto others (I think a testimony of what's good about the internet/MySpace v. what's wrong with it).
It doesn't matter whether or not the people it was passed onto know who wrote it. It only matters that it was written, was passed on, and was built upon. I tell my students I don't care if they remember me. I care that they remember who they are, and everything they are capable of becoming.....And if they do give up later in life, they better remember me because I'm coming for them :-) They weren't losers or allowed to quit when I taught them, they're not losers now and I will not allow them give up now.
And if you're a long-time reader, you know my definition of a "man" is much broader than what my latest post could communicate. As Yanni said, "There are as many ways to live life as there are people on this planet."
In honor of the man who taught me how to be a man, I'm reposting, "I Met a Man", which is about someone who is in no way a "bad ass", "well-educated", "rich", etc. We all have our own definitions inside of us as to what a man is, and instead of the media, we only have to listen to our souls for the answer as to what that is for us.
And just as when I wrote this for him a year ago, the letters on the keyboard are becoming blurry as I am overcome with the realization of how much of a real man he is, and someone I strive to be more like every day.
I knew him for more than 20 years before I really met him, and saw him for everything he really was.
This is the day I Met a Man.....
More often I seem to be asked where my good qualities come from. I've never known how to respond, and honestly it's probably been because I didn't believe I really had them.Certain life events caused me to doubt myself. I mean, how good could I really be to have co-created three children I could not love more than I do, fallen in love with two others (step-daughters), yet after two failed marriages, go to bed and wake up without any of them?
"It must be me. It must be me. I don't deserve to have them."
This all changed by certain positive events that began happening at the beginning of 2007, and culminated with my recent trip to Illinois (see "Renaissance Man"). And because of this I have changed how I see myself. I am, exactly as I am, and it's pretty darn good.
So how did I get this way? It's because I met a man....
I met a man who fathered and loved four children of his own, took on two foster children, got laid off from his factory job more than once, and even became a garbage man to take care of his family.
I met a man who called me one night, asking if he should take on a two-year old who was being beaten by his alcoholic mother. The state had nowhere to place him, and knew he already had two foster children that he and his wife were caring for and loving as their own.
Being in business school and being trained to be a "realist", I responded with a flat out and very confident "NO!" I told him he was already getting into Heaven and he had no more to give. He would bury himself and his family if he took this burden on. He said "OK", and we said goodbye.
He took the two-year-old into his home anyway.
I raced to his home and came in without knocking. I was angry. I was upset. This was a good man, but he was being a fool. As I called out for him a little kid I didn't recognize came toward me and bashed his head against my thigh. I looked down at the top of his dirty-blond head of hair and pushed him away. "This must be the kid. And he's screwed up to boot", I thought.
I looked down and realized he had left snot on my pants. "Arggggghh." Now I'm really upset as the man I came to tell off came into the room, with a peaceful and happy look on his face.
"I see you met Jamie", he said.
"Yes, I have. And his runny nose. Why did you do this?" I glared at him incredulously.
The man looked back into my glare, and said softly, "Because we have more than he does", his eyes suddenly becoming wet.
"Loving man, but a very, very stupid man", I screamed in my head as I walked away before saying it out loud.
Knowing I didn't like this "new addition" to their family, this man and his wife asked me to stay with "Jamie" while they went to work. I very reluctantly agreed, dropping onto the couch, still angry, still confused as to why this man did the exact opposite of what I had advised.
"He's not as smart as I am. That's why. He didn't even go to college. He can't even spell and never reads. I don't like this man very much anymore. He is very little and he will always have very little because he gives what little he has away to 'people who have less'. What a fool! I hope I never become like him."
As I was sitting there lost in these thoughts, "Jamie" had climbed up beside me and was staring at me, accepting me completely even though I had yet to say one word to him. He pointed at some books on the coffee table.
"I'm not reading to you kid. I have plenty of my own reading to do from school. You think I'm going to waste my time reading to you? I'm sorry your mom beats on you. I really am. But you're taking this man and his entire family down. Don't you get it? I can't believe no one else was willing to take you. The agency knows this man is a sucker. They probably didn't even call anyone else."
I said this all in my head, while just looking at this kid and being disgusted by his still runny nose.
He pointed again, and began trying to grab one of the books and give it to me. I pushed it away. But he persisted until it was finally too much, and I broke my silence as I reached past the children's books and picked up the thick Sears Catalog.
"Fine! You want me to read to you? I'll read to you. Ooohhh. Look at the yellow dress. And Wow! Would you just look at this spectacular lawn mower. Holy cow! I don't think I've ever seen a pair of more boring-looking plain black men's dress shoes."
"This will teach him", I thought. I didn't know why I was mocking him, but I was. I turned my head expecting to see his little devastated face, realizing that he didn't deserve to be here. That he didn't deserve to be putting such a financial and emotional strain on this man and his family.
But as I looked over and down, I saw a smile. I saw eyes bright with wonder. I saw concentration and excitement on his face.
"Oh my God! This kid has never been read to. He has no idea this isn't a children's book. He's totally happy just being given attention."
I couldn't continue "reading". I could no longer speak, the lump that had formed in my throat hurt so bad I couldn't even swallow. I fought hard to fight back the tears.
"Because we have more than he does", sounded in my head.
"Because we have more than he does", the words drifted down to my heart, allowing me to really hear them for the first time, allowing me to really understand everything that they meant.....
"Because we have more than he does", made me turn away from Jamie, my father's words making me realize I'm not even half the man he is, and now unable to stop the tears from coming down my face.
"My father IS a MAN. My father is teaching me what it means to be a REAL man. I can only hope to be the man he is, but I will spend the rest of my life trying. I hope I can become the man he is."
I put down the Sears Catalog and picked up a children's book. I don't know what it was. I don't know what it said. All I know is I put my arm around Jamie and pulled him close, and read past my tears and in my best story-telling voice, which was now full of loving emotion. I read to him like a man.
This is for you Dad (here with my mother, an equally amazing person). And if you ever find yourself wondering how I became what I am, go look in the mirror and say:"My son met a man."
I hope I make you proud.
*And yes Ryan, I cried as I wrote this. I cried because my father taught me to be a real man, and as you said, "Real men shed tears"(see "Memories Made on Friday").
Copyright © March 2007 by Adam Stuart
**I don't know why this affects me so much, but it does. The lump in my throat is there again, the tears are there......and the thought that, "What if we all just became so unafraid to be our best selves, our real selves, that in meeting each other both our lives became better, and maybe even changed forever?"
Peace & Inner Strength,
Adam
Copyright © March 2007 by Adam Stuart
**I don't know why this affects me so much, but it does. The lump in my throat is there again, the tears are there......and the thought that, "What if we all just became so unafraid to be our best selves, our real selves, that in meeting each other both our lives became better, and maybe even changed forever?"
Peace & Inner Strength,
Adam
