I Can't Go On

I can't go on
Even though I know I will

It's the human drama
That sometimes makes me ill

I have a splitting headache
No bottle of aspirin can help

I may have run out of money
But my spirit is not broke

I have no energy to keep on fighting
Although I know all too well I will

Any man can carry his load no matter how heavy
No matter how hard, till the end of the day

It's just that my days never seem to end
The challenges won't allow me to sleep

I hear love calling me to arms;
My dreams and those of others, that need to be fulfilled

No sense feeling sorry for myself
No indirect or quiet cry for help

It's just a human being being human
And in the midst of living his life fully

Expressing himself expressively
Exhausting himself for the dream

Hope holding him together
Hoping that life has real meaning

The simple man may be tired
But the spirit of the warrior poet keeps him living

- Adam Stuart (September, 2007)


We all have reasons why we don't think we can go on:

- I'm no longer allowed in my daughter's classroom because it's too distracting for the teacher

(Amanda and Florencia playing Ring Around the Rosie with Sofia this morning)

- My grandmother didn't pick up the phone tonight and I missed telling her I love her and hearing it in return (she's been sick the past three nights when I've called and I'm worried)

- I'm can't find a former student who is now a young teenage prostitute, pregnant and homeless. She overcame being in juvenile hall four times the year I taught her - yet STILL learned to believe in herself and went on to pass the 5th grade. I noticed she had artistic intelligence and helped her translate that into academic success. She called me her hero. What kind of hero am I for her now?

- Patrice hasn't made any improvements in the almost two years since he was in the car crash that killed his mother and left him hospitalized. I haven't been able to get through to his father or nurses for a week.

- For Sofia to come to my school and live with me more I happily agreed to continue paying full child support. The additional expenses have wiped me out. I had to return groceries this weekend at the checkout counter. The $17 television in my room died last night and I had no loose change left for gas to go to grad class tonight.

- My notebook of unpublished writes and poems was stolen, along with some motorcycle gear and my son's bike, making me wish I would have published the poem I wrote for Taneicea the first day I met her and looked in her eyes, and saw a girl wanting to believe so badly that she was worth believing in. See her photo below.

- I still don't get paid for my out-of-county teaching experience due to missing paperwork between the two counties

- I have some parents and other people questioning my abilities and intentions

- I get 2 hours of sleep a night yet still can't get everything done and answer very few emails, phone calls, etc

- and I could go on....


Or I could focus on what I do have:


......Love in abundance.

- I am surrounded by love in my life, and get to see my children every day

(My son doing a flip in front of my house ~ I dig this kid!)

- I've heard from several of my former students that they do feel unstoppable because of being in my class. That's one of the greatest gifts I could have helped develop inside of them. They are on their way to becoming their greatest selves and giving their gifts to the world.

(James scored a 100% on the county reading test, making him the first Patty Boy Blemur winner of the year, which only two students received last year. The award is named in honor of Patrice, who in his first year in America and speaking little English, made a 100% improvement in both the reading and math county tests just before his car crash. I purchased a program that allows me to give James 6th - 12th grade work.

- All my problems are positive ones that are easily overcome by a good heart and strong spirit, two things I got from my parents and continued to develop independently.

(Katie was devastated from forgetting to do a page on her test. I did the Brad Pitt thumb's up thing from "12 Monkeys", making the class roar with laughter and allowing me to sneak in and help her build a stronger spirit from her good heart - check out the 12 Monkeys video on my MySpace front page)

- When I got hurt and couldn't play college football any longer, I lived in the library and read and thought so much that I later tested as having one of the highest I.Q's in the country. Even though this is only one form of intelligence, I know I am smart enough to figure out a solution to any my problems.

- After suffering two divorces, I only care about what is real; real love, real happiness, real truth, and real wealth. Thoughts are things, and I know I am only attracting what is real into my life. And I know I will learn to trust in love again.

(Taneicea, who tested at the lowest reading level last year and began this year with F's, now getting A's on her reading tests. She has made REAL change in her life in just one month!)

- There are several people that do believe in me and give me energy to keep going.

- I am wealthy beyond belief, and have incredible life-changing opportunities awaiting me when I finish my masters and should I choose to give up teaching in the classroom.

(Daiquan, Florencia and Luis wondering what I'm doing on the floor)

- And I know that if today is my last day on Earth, I have lived today. And if I'm given tomorrow, I will live that too.

All of our lives are so similar. We all have reasons that can keep us from going on. And we all have reasons that can keep us going on

- Dreaming Big, Doing Big, and Being Big

- Creating the BEST lives we want versus accepting the way we're currently living as all we'll ever have.

And we all get to make that choice every day; the choice to focus on why we can't, or why we can. Our lives and the lives of others depend on this choice. Lately I've needed Frank Sinatra and Harry Connick, Jr. just to get out of bed. Imagine if they focused on why they couldn't go on...and never did.

(Miguel, Taylor and Amanda focusing on what they want, versus don't want. Miguel received a 100% on his assignment today. I'm very proud of you Little Miggs!)

Imagine if you and I don't go on. What gifts of ours will not be there for others, helping them go on with life?

(Raymond and I "knocking down the walls before him". It's taken a month, but I know it's just one of many times he will overcome the "walls" that have stopped him in the past! When I told him he was great on the basketball court one day after recess, he said it was because he's been practicing for four years. Seeing that he was basing his logic on time spent and making him aware that he's been practicing school even longer, he understood when I told him I expected him to be even better at school than he is at basketball.)