Failure To Fail

I'm getting ready for the gym this morning and saw this in my book:
"AB Chat: Although we are taught from birth to avoid it, failure is not a dirty word. In fact, fitness is dedicated to failure. It is the failure of a muscle to complete a task that dictates the level of strength gained. How can you get stronger if you don't test limits? You have to learn to love the struggle. In a way, failure is always victory in defeat.
It is always better than stopping short."
- The Complete Book of Abs (1998, p. 222)




As I copied today's workout into my gym journal I started listening to a show about quantum physics. This is the idea that what's happening within us is more real than the reality going on outside of us. This is because on a cellular level we are creating that reality, especially with our thoughts. People who have studied this and obviously have a more intelligent opinion of quantum mechanics than I do kept talking of having a supreme mind.


I took this concept and applied it to my workout. Doesn't it take a supreme mind to think of going to failure as success? And if this is true, isn't stopping short of pushing yourself to your limits, giving up, failing to fail? Muscles only grow and strengthen when pushed to lift more weight than they can comfortably handle. It takes higher thinking to interpret pain and suffering as ingredients for strength and success. And the mind grows in much of the same way (see "Mind Training" (August archives) & "Mind Training - Part2" (September archives).

By applying these concepts to my physical and mental self my stomach is getting more washboard and the intellectual wealth I'm constructing from pursuing my masters is phenomenal (thank you professors). Good so far. But what about the heart? How many of us find success in love? Less than half of all marriages work in this country and it's only getting worse. My own two marriages didn't work, and outside of saying I married the wrong people for me, I don't really know why.


All I do know is that I know how to love, to give, and to see the best in others. My emails are signed with a quote by Nikos. "By passionately believing in that which does not exist, we create it." Applying this to my teaching, four years ago my class motto of "Dream Big, Do Big, and Be Big" was born. In six years of teaching not one student has been held back, or failed, due to refusing to see any of them as failures. In class they are encouraged to see where they are failing, learn why and how to overcome it, and not fail in that area any longer. Areas of failure have been actively pursued and focused on until they are overcome.

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Every day they come into a classroom where they know they are believed in and loved for who they are and for everything they could be. This has had a profound effect on their lives(see "The Winners of Washington Shores" (July), "Patty Boy Blemur" (August), "What Will You do that Will Last Forever" (August) and other stories like "Impossible Dreams" (September)).



So the power of loving powerfully and completely works wonders, for others. Is the universe just cruel or is finding true love for yourself some kind of game where most of us wander into dead ends and get lost in the maze? Maybe the answer lies not in trying to find true love for ourselves in another person, but in ourselves, for ourselves.

This is what I don't know. I don't know what it's like to come home to the loving arms of a woman and to be believed in for everything I could and should be. Bummer for me. But I kept loving back anyway and trying even harder (how many of us can relate to this?). I kept loving and seeing the best in her the same as Alonso (Don Quixote) saw Kitri as his "Dolcinea", the ideal woman of his dreams. I knew this woman was the one for me and that if I just "passionately believed in that which didn't exist" we could create it; that if I didn't stop short and give up we could strengthen our relationship enough that it could survive the criticizing, condemning and complaining in our marriage.


But you don't give up. You keep fighting. Everyone has problems. I was trying to be a warrior for my wife and family. Nothing and no one could stop me or get me to doubt myself, except for the angry and "in the moment" remarks from the woman I treasured, treasured more than myself. Every warrior hopes to find a good death, and her words cut through me like the blade of a kryptonite-laced sword. Death is coming for us all, and after being hospitalized for one heart attack and feeling another coming a year later, I certainly didn't feel like I was headed for a good death. And my "queen" certainly didn't see me as much of a warrior, at least not one worth appreciating. It was time to for me to grow up; to start being selfish and love myself enough to truly believe I was worthy of the same higher love I was giving out.


I also refused to teach our children that unconditional love means accepting cruelty and abuse.

Argue for your limitations and they're yours. Focus on the excuses that make you weak and you remain weak and powerless, incapable of creating a better life for yourself.

Even after we divorced, I still held on to us, to the idea of the power of love, that love was all we needed. I still hadn't learned. I believed she loved me too and that by working on ourselves we could be strong enough to work on us together and make our marriage work. Even though I was going to counseling and being advised to stay away from her, I still held on to the idea that it was she who needed changing, not my idea that love for another is all you need, and that if I just had enough patience I could hold out until she saw how much I truly loved her. For a long time, I wouldn't even allow myself to have any female friends, hoping to show her she was the only possible one for me. I still had this unconditional love for her, and very little for myself. Sometimes learning takes time.

For three years since our separation and divorce I used this idea of having a "supreme mind" to keep believing in her and remain faithful to her. I hung on to the dream of remarriage, kissing my children good night and growing old with my Dolcinea. No matter how attractive another woman was or how hard she tried to woo me, I wasn't attracted to her. Once I said I loved my Dolcinea I meant I loved her forever. The wrinkles around her eyes and sagging body parts as she grew old would always be more beautiful to me than any other woman in her prime. Even after all we'd been through I still saw past all the ugliness and focused on the beauty within her.

Although I had lost all of my self-esteem I refused to give up. I continued to love her even though my love was continually doubted. I continued to fight for our children to grow up with mommy and daddy in the same house even though I heard many statements beginning with "What kind of father........(put criticism here)....?" I would reject her cruelty and stay away from her until I healed or couldn't keep my love from blabbing out of my mouth. I would continue to profess this love to her, coming back again and again after being pushed away again and again, wanting to go back to couples counseling and even setting it up, even though she started dating another man...


And I was criticized again instead of appreciated. I developed a bleeding ulcer that casued me to vomit blood and lay in bed thinking I was minutes away from dying; my life ending in a tragedy. As I looked around at the mess in my room and imagined my family coming down to pack my things saying "Same old Adam", I smiled and saw it also as a comedy.

Still I would go to the movies by myself and place a packet of Twizzlers and a Snickers bar on the seat next to me, imaging my love was there with me eating her favorite candy.

I don't know why it happened; the words of a friend, a counselor, or maybe or loving my Dolcinea so much that I had gone to failure and feeling only pain, and had become stronger by doing so. But this time it was different. I finally saw that she could count on me. She could count on me to love myself enough to not let anyone emotionally abuse me anymore. I finally got it. I finally got what it meant to go to failure. I kept loving her with everything I had and the relationship still failing, until I realized I was failing myself. I finally could count on myself to take charge of my own life, and not put my happiness in the hands of another. I finally had enough self-worth to believe I was worth a better love, for myself, and inside myself.

Just like in the gym, by pushing our hearts and not giving up, even if we're taken to hell and back, we force it to get stronger, and smarter. We learn no matter how hard we try, if we don't give the same love to ourselves, we remain in unhealthy and addictive co-dependent relationships. We must break free by breaking the cycle, even if, and especially if, it means letting go of something you've loved more than yourself, and almost more than life itself.

I am now a stronger man and a wiser man. And my children have a better father. Even though I still toss and turn in my bed because I'm not whispering "Daddy loves you" in their ears every night, I'm no longer teaching them that love means putting up with abusive and cruel behavior. Had I continued to allow this, they would have grown up either abusing their spouses or letting their spouses abuse them. Children live what they learn. I thank my parents and grandparents for showing me that marriages can last. My grandmother still writes "Bette loves James" while she does her daily crosswords, even though Grandpa Jim passed away over years ago.

I'm trying to remember what Mother Theresa said about loving until it hurts. It's something like You love until it hurts so much there's only pain. Then there's only love.


I couldn't find it online or in one of the many notebooks I write in at the same time (which was one of my ex's contructive criticisms that I never learned from and wished I had). I'm not quite sure what the quote means yet because at the end of pain, I just felt pain; unless it means having love for yourself. You know how they say "When the student is ready, the teacher appears"? Look at what I did find:

"The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done."
- Mother Teresa


Sometimes we have to accept that whether or not our love was appreciated by the person it was intended for doesn't matter. This is hard for me to swallow, especially when you wanted so much for something to work, but it does make sense. It's amazing what happens when we stop blaming ourselves and others and instead simply open our ears, minds and hearts to new ways of thinking that can change our lives for the better.

Love conquers all. I 've come to realize this is both true and false. Loving another more than yourself does not conquer all, and can lead to resentment and loss of respect.

Loving yourself conquers yourself. You no longer need to seek validation from others. You don't start dating others hoping this will be the one who understands you and makes you happy. You don't keep hoping for someone "out there" to make you happy.

In quantum mechanics it's been said that the brain receives 4 billion bits of information a second. We pay attention to only 2,000 bits of this information. I guess it's our choice to pay attention to the positive or negative bits, information that can help us change our lives for the better or hold on to our excuses as to why we're right and the other is wrong, wondering why our world still stinks and we end up in the same relationships, jobs, and general unhappiness over and over.

For some reason I am still here. Is it for others to learn from my mistakes? Is it to find this "go-to-failure", "supreme mind", "Dream Big, Do Big, and Be Big" application to the heart for oneself? I know that the divorce rate is getting higher and higher. Being an honest and faithful person only seems to get you kicked in the teeth and your heart ripped out. Being chivalrous makes people wonder what you're really up to. Being a nice guy gets you dead last. And the faith that I wouldn't repeat the same cycle with another comes and goes, then starts to fade away...

..until I realize I have a lot to work on myself. I've been loving the world unselfishly hoping the world would send one to love me back. In truth the world loves those who love themselves, and is loving towards others. Being honest and faithful TO YOURSELF attracts an honest and faithful partner. Being chivalrous and respectful TO YOURSELF attracts a classy and respectful lady. Being nice TO YOURSELF attracts someone who will be nice to share your life with. And working truly ON YOURSELF brings faith that the cycle is being broken, and a new and better life awaits you.

While traveling on this new journey I find hope and healing in the lyrics and rhythms of songs of Natasha Bedenfeld's "Unwritten", Lenny Kravitz's "If I Could Fall in Love" and from The O.C. soundtrack: the South's "Paint the Silence", Joseph Arthur's "Honey And the Moon", the Dove's "Caught By The River", and Quaye & Orbit's "Dice" and Phantom Planet's "California".



Hope. I write this with hope. I hope that the reader recognizes his or her own successes and failures and looks inside to make these connections and are able to create the reality they want. I know I do.

I hope my students go on to give the world something so great that their contributions make the world a better place and last for all time. I know I will.
I hope you are strengthened from the pain in your life; to realize you can't want something for someone more than they want it for themselves, and expect it to happen. That it takes a truly committed partnership between two loving people, people who love themselves first and can share that between them, not giving all their love to the other and keeping none for themselves. I know I am.

I hope you believe you are worth being loved, respected and believed in; to have enough self-worth to not allow anyone in your life that does the opposite. I know I do.

I hope you have enough awareness to recognize when you do have someone in your life that does love, respect and believe in you to treasure them. I know I do.

I hope you have the courage to let go of one unhealthy dream to allow for a better reality; to realize you can't control what you get from others, only what you give. And if others won't accept your gifts of love, respect and belief, it's time to stop giving to them. It's time to realize the relationship has failed. I know I do.

I hope you learn to see "failure" not as a dirty and painful word, but one that is pure and empowering. I hope you are all open to constructive criticism and insight in all its forms, including first seeing where you can improve ourselves before criticizing, judging and blaming others. I know I have.

"Things don't change. We change"
- Henry David Thoreau








"We are what we think.
All that we are arises
With our thoughts.
With our thoughts,
We make our world."
- The Buddha


"Buddha" literally means "the awakened one". If we aren't happy with our world, maybe we should "wake up" by changing our thinking. Thoughts are things. And as the quantum physicists are saying, thoughts are cellular things. We change our lives from the inside out.

"Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier."
Mother Teresa


I hope you are leaving this post happier than when you arrived; empowered or maybe better in touch with the pain in your own life. Still hopeful though, and maybe even inspired, that by not running from it you are strengthened. By being strengthened your life is changing for the better. And by your life changing for the better the world is changing for the better. I know my world is by realizing that:

The "better out there" is only possible with it first becoming "better in there".