This time it was from giving too much to a friend a week ago that has caused me to throw up first thing in the morning since then, not being able to pay my rent after paying for a student's field trip, the completion of my masters pushed back to the end of the summer, if not next Christmas, and my house flooding due to roots getting into the water pipes outside.
Then I found out a former student is not only not in school, but living on the street, causing me to spend half of yesterday on the phone with family services without success.
After crawling under the covers of my bed and sharing with each other how cold it is in both Ohio and Florida, Grandma said she was going to bed and I thought, "How nice that would be". Six hours later I realized I had, my physical system crashing after I hung up and forcing me to stop living, and just sleep.
I had several old and recent dreams revisit me; conversations about me between God and Jesus, conversations between me and Jesus, between me and God, trusting in love again and allowing a woman into my life, our love's synergism allowing us to be more together than we were apart, and my eventual death and sentencing to hell.
When I woke up this morning, I woke up a new man, more than I've EVER been before. Life, in all the verities and realities that lie in my existence, once again couldn't kill me, physically or emotionally, and I wake to this day, waiting for the dawn, renewed and replenished; stronger, smarter and even MORE LOVING than ever before. Instead of being less, I am more, and even more convinced of the answer to life.
I've been watching this scene from the movie, Across the Universe, over and over as I've been typing:
When Brosden was a baby, I used to carry him outside in the morning, reciting this poem with one arm raised to the sky and the other holding him in my arms.
Look to this day!
For it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course
Lie all the verities and realities of your existence:
The bliss of growth
The glory of action
The splendour of beauty
For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow only a vision
But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore to this day!
Such is the salutation to the dawn.
- Kalidasa, Indian Poet
*Guess who sent a text during my slumber last night, telling me he loves his daddy?
As I wait for today's dawn, I feel more confident than ever that there are solutions to yesterday's problems. And with all the love I have in my own heart and all I have surrounding me in the hearts of others around me, I can honestly say at the end of this day that I have fully honored the life that has been given me for at least one more day, and was strong enough to follow my own heart and live it my own way, no matter what others or even the gods thought of me in the process (a glimpse as to why I was sentenced to hell in my dream).
I don't do what I do to get something from others, but to give something to them. It's not about impressing others, but impressing upon them what can be done in their own lives and in the world at large. It's not just about doing things right, but about doing the right things....and for nothing more than they are simply the right things to do.
Today, I am more fully alive in love and hope, and will say with a smile at the end of this day, "Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today!"
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