2008-04-18

A Father's Strength ~ For My Children


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**I've added to this post from yesterday, after my principal showed a clip of a dying professor's "last lecture", which he dedicated to his children. An incredible person sent the same clip to me about a month ago. Being truly flattered, but not seeing myself as anywhere near this particular professor, I didn't make the connection.

Now I do, in that everything I write is my "last lecture" to my own children. The fact that it affects others is truly remarkable, and my children and I thank each and every one of you for your comments. I wouldn't be surprised after I'm gone if one of them contacts you and thanks you for something you said about what their father had written.

I don't know how, but I intend on writing even more. A student who you've been reading about all year, who has made "impossible" academic AND personal growth, overcoming fear after fear, is now out of school and living on the street....and can't be found.

...And I feel a great storm brewing inside of me. Knowing myself, I know what this means. And should every new write literally become my "last lecture" to my children, I want that one day they will see why I love them, and the world they live in, so very much.

I want them to see themselves how I see them, and I dedicate the song, "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel, every day to them for the rest of their lives.

Here's the original post from yesterday, with added photos, thoughts and videos at the end:


A very good friend of mine just posted this, and I not only dedicate this post to her, but to her ex husband too, as they go to court today to "fight" for their daughter:

MY EX OF SEVERAL YEARS IS TRYING TO GET CUSTODY OF MY KID NOW TO AVOID PAYING CHILD SUPPORT... THIS ONLY FURTHER PROVES THE OLD SAYING IS TRUE;

"ANY MAN CAN BE A DAD, BUT IT TAKES A REAL MAN TO BE A FATHER"

Check out this video: Father of Mine by Everclear



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A student this week told me her father didn't want her. After asking questions, I found out she has never met her father. So I asked her if her father never met her, never took the time to get to know her, isn't the truth he just didn't want to be a father to anybody, and not that he didn't want her?


As men we have such GREAT strength inside of us, and IT'S NOT to use that strength to abuse, to fight against our children's mothers while they watch in the middle, or to give kids a name.....and then walk away.....because we don't feel we have the strength to man up to our responsibilities.

Because this is happening more and more, there's never been more of a need for each one of us to Be More of a Man. When we do, lives are restored and recreated. When we don't, lives are diminished and destroyed. Life itself is too precious to waste in any way. Being responsible for it wasting away in yourself and another you've given life to......is worse than a crime, greater than a sin, so much more than a tragedy.

From my experience as a single father, deeply feeling the pain of not waking up to my children everyday and putting them to bed every night, the hurt can be so great that it's easier to run away from this pain by running away from our children. And many men do....

But that is not the strength of a man. Our strength should be so great that is has to be controlled and guided by great love, and the love we have for our children being greater than all the pain we experience by their everyday loss.

And when we give until it hurts....

until we have no more left to give them....

they give it right back to us....


filling us with more to give to others



There is a way to help good men become good fathers again....Love overcoming pain is at least one of the ways back.......And if a man wants to be a "great lover", the best way to do this is by loving his children greatly....spending quality time with them and in their eyes, falling even more in love with them, and in their eyes, seeing the doorway to ia thousand churches.

Each child we bring into this world is truly unique and extremely special

In our strength to spend time with them we show them they're special enough to spend time with...and in their eyes the world is special and worth spending time in.

In our strength to overcome our pain of losing them, we show them how special and strong love is...and in their eyes the world is filled with love and worth filling it with love.

Our daughters will mother children, and our sons will become fathers....And they will live what we teach them...they will do what they learn from us.

As men, are we teaching our daughters what kind of man to look for....Our sons what kind of man to be?

I could be wrong, but love is the only thing I know, the greatest thing I feel, and the only thing I know to use to tell me how to parent, to teach, to write, to fight.....to live and to love.....and how to be a man.

Today, I pray my friend's ex has the strength as a father, to remember what is means to have strength as a man, and not to take love away from a mother, but to give love to his daughter, and do what's best for her.

ADDED PICTURES

Brosden feeling pretty cool with Dad's keys to the car

The "waitresses" arrive with our food.

Bella totally jacked about A-cing her spelling test with Dad before having to take it tomorrow in her class.

Brosden aced his on the drive up to get Sofia.

Trying to squeeze in some of my own study time...

While the boy of a thousand faces does his thing.

I have no idea where my children get their animation :-)

If you love someone you also show them respect. Last week at the pet store they all heard me say something. Brosden was the one who paid attention enough to hear what I said, which was "time to go". Out of appreciation he got to go in the store first this week.

When Sofia said she didn't hear what I said, I asked if she heard me say something. When she said yes, I told her it's my job to say it, it's her job to hear it. It's disrespectful to make someone repeat themselves, and knowing her father (interpersonal intelligence), he doesn't like to say things twice.



As you can see in the girls' happiness, they were still excited even though their brother got to go in first. All of us like it when people we love hold us to a higher standard. Children are just more OK with it than adults, I think because we feel we're supposed to be nearly flawless by the time we reach adulthood.

Who are you to tell me I have something to work on? What about you?

Oh you did not just go there!


....And one more once loving relationship bites the dust.....

But what if we, and the children who are watching us, can learn to become grateful for the opportunity to learn from our mistakes, and be thankful for those caring enough to point it out, whether or not it's pointed out in a caring way? Even your so-called "enemies" can help only make you better.

Great learning and growth can occur, including learning to be grateful for what you do get, versus the times you don't.

Real learning allows knowledge, such as respecting those you love, to be applied in the real world. This application of knowledge is called wisdom.

And when you're on the phone, (here with Great Grandma Bette), it's wise to stop what you're doing and give her your full attention, especially if your my child :-)...

....Or my student for that matter. My son calls me Beowulf when I get angry.


Bella has incredible creativity.

According to Bloom's Taxonomy of Thinking, the ability to evaluate and create are the highest forms of thinking.

If you or your child are creative, it is a scientifically-proven sign of higher thinking. Encourage it, nurture it, allow it to grow. One time when Bella kicked me off the computer last weekend, it was to surprise me with a story she posted on my Samurai Teaching website.

Science tells us that we use maybe 5% of our brains. This 9-year old is already writing and posting her own stories.

Brosden, who isn't into school or learning, and has been diagnosed with ADD, scores as high as any gifted kid when taught in a gifted, interesting way......WITHOUT having taken his medication.

If he wants to live large in this world, he's going to have to earn the right to do that by developing large skills and abilities. I told him at lunch I wanted to race horses on the beach with him. He told me he wanted to race jets in the sky.

Talk about Dreaming Big! I MUST talk to him about Doing Big to Become Big enough to achieve those big dreams. Very few of us do because of how we're spoken to...and then end up speaking to ourselves.

He doesn't take his medication when he's with me. His mother loves and believes in him, just as many teachers do for their students. I think my confidence that he can think and behave, and will, vibrates so strongly that he believes it too, and does, sans drugs. His last report card was all A's and B's. Not bad for a kid with ADD who doesn't like school, and proof that we're only really limited by our own thinking.

The question is, "What are we encouraging our children, as well as each other, to think?" (If he can figure out the change I should get, before or soon after the cashier does using the register, he gets to keep it for our trip to China. He asked if we could go one day. I said, "sure, as long as you can pay your half". He has become a high-level quick-thinking machine.

I don't care if he likes to learn. I care that he likes to think, and does. The cashier wanted to tell him the answer, which most of us do....we tell instead of allow (He will not let anyone tell him the answer. He wants to think of it for himself. The cashier)

And yesterday evening on our adventure walk, Sofia and I came upon a place where "dinosaurs used to live". She began asking questions ranging from, "What was the first dinosaur?", to "If there were dinosaurs, then humans..........what's going to come after us?"

And if you don't want your children to say, "I don't know" when asked questions, you better not either. You don't have to know all the answers, and instead of telling them the ones you do know, ask them what they think. Get them to think about their own thinking (meta cognition).

We just finished watching "Back at the Barnyard" on Nickelodeon. She wanted to watch Sponge Bob next. My house, my rules. For every one of your shows, you watch one of dad's. Put laughter in your heart and knowledge in your head.

Right now she's "oohing" and "ahhing" watching the progress of lizards on Animal Planet.

....I didn't know how to end this....I don't ever want to leave my children, but only really know how to live one way....which is all the way

As I held Sofia listening to this song, the lyrics began to make perfect sense for runaway fathers; how instead of running into another woman's arms to take away their pain after a divorce, they could run back to their children and take away theirs.

love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside


**This is all inner strength really is: reaching out from the inside, to do what is right, no matter how difficult, no matter what the cost. We can't take anything left in our hearts with us when we go. I am the way I am because I love my children and the world they live in, not because it's easy or I'm afraid of it.

I hope this reaches as many runaway fathers as possible. I hope they in turn reach out for their children. Many are waiting...and losing hope; in themselves, and in the world.

As I was thinking this, Sofia suddenly buried her head in my chest.....and without a noise, without my pride, I reached out from the inside......and cried.......a father's tears of love dripping down onto his daughter.

DANCING WITH MY BABY GIRL




Crystal, Sofia's older sister, asked if she could join us for Date Night With Daddy. We welcomed her with open arms




BOWLING WITH SOFIA ~ LITERALLY


7 comments:

Anonymous said...

You are a great example of what a father should be like.
your blog and video was very touching.

Anonymous said...

Adam,
I thought this was great yesterday!
Now al that U have added makes it more Beautiful n Heartwarming!
What a perfect song you have dedicated 2 the kids.This write is Amazing so Important and Special for ur kids to Cherish.I love the way you look @ your kids when your watching them.The love in ur EYES
is Beuatiful filled with Proud Love....Very Touching!!!
Blessings~luv,Cali~

Anonymous said...

You looked like you knew what you were doing in the bowling alley, I thought you were going to get a strike. I was waiting for that. you deserved that little push from your daughter. (lol)

Anonymous said...

Just to let you know that I love reading your blogs. I look for it almost everyday to see if there is anything knew. I like the way that as a man you are not afraid to show who you are as a father and how much you love your children and for everyone one to see it.
I really admire you for that, you are a great role model.

Anonymous said...

lilkimmy --

popped on today to see what you are up to...

As always, I leave with a smile! :)

You are such a special man.

Hugs..

Unknown said...

So many thanks to all of you for leaving such incredible comments. On behalf ogf my children, I thank you for what you said about their father.

Anonymous said...

lilkimmy44 ---

Hey there..

I know you are in school when Oprah is on, but seen this clip tonight and thought of you. This is a lecture given by Randy Pausch, a father of three who is dying of cancer. Very inspiring, touching presentation he gave on life. One I thought you would enjoy.

Here is the link to the play back...

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=ithct48cqw