The Door to Deathlessness

For those who are ready, the door

To the deathless state is open.

You that have ears, give up

The conditions that bind you, and enter in.

- Majjhima Nikaya


Since Sofia has been withdrawn from my school, I've gone through a withdrawal myself. I miss seeing her everyday, I miss bringing her home with me when I don't have grad school, and I miss her taking over my bed at night.

I was joking with a friend that when I had a queen-sized bed my kids all laid on top of me and I had to learn to sleep without moving. Now I have a king-sized bed and even when it was just Sofia, she would still lay on top of me and I had to sleep without moving.

Now that she's gone, and I have the entire bed to myself......I can't sleep more than 30 minutes a night. For some reason when I lay down, my stomach feels so bad that I think I'm going to throw up. I'm out of energy by noon, don't answer emails, and until today have had no desire to write.




She spent the night on Thursday for the first time in over a week, and I slept with her in my arms for 10 hours.

As big as this painful and physically sickening void within me is, there's also a growing peaceful and powerful space developing inside. It's true that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Instead of anger and bitterness, I feel indifference towards the one who took my daughter from me.



Instead of becoming jaded towards all, I realize not all people can possibly be this way.


And instead of thinking I need to love less and be less vulnerable, I see the great power of being in love and the beauty of being totally vulnerable to it...and I love more.



Through this experience I am realizing I am more than I ever thought I was, and that although this has affected me physically....




.....it is only strengthening me spiritually.




I am ready to enter the deathless state, and it's time to go through that door and start loving myself as much as I love others.






(Sofia LOVES pillows, and I have them EVERYWHERE in the house.) I miss you Baby Girl, and will only love you more when we're together.

Lose Sight of the Shore

My friend Georgia posted a picture of a broken heart, made from the repeated line, "If the heart is broken, shouldn't the pain run out?" I like her writes, and the only thing I could think of was something like, "The only response I can imagine is that the pain is needed for healing, once the broken-hearted decides they want the healing more than the hurting."

I have come to realize that life is often a reflection of choice; feeling like a victim or feeling enlightened, feeling poor and hopeless or feeling rich and empowered, and feeling heart-broken or believing you're learning how to attract only healthy relationships into your life.

This doesn't mean you have to run out and hand someone your heart, saying, "Go ahead. Stab it! It won't hurt me anymore." It just means learning how to identify the people that won't stab. And this may take more time for some and less for others. As passionate and risk-taking as I am, this is one area I'm in no hurry to put my heart into again.

So we're all in the same boat (boy I hope it's a big one or at least has a shower). While we're in it, lets have the courage to have faith in new oceans, ones we've yet to experience. Some of us may row faster and some slower, and that's OK. It's better than holding the oar in your hands and beating yourself over the head with it.

"You cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore."
- unknown

By the way, I was living with my best friend Brian Donovan after college. He was miserable in his marketing job, as was I in my sales job. I found the above quote and wrote it down for him. The next day he packed up and headed for Hollywood. He and his roommate struggled every day for about seven years.

Now his voice (very cool and one I use at times while teaching) is heard all over the country, and best known as the voice of JETIX on Cartoon Disney. His roommate, Molly Shannon, went on to SNL and movie fame.

Neither wallowed in the brokenness of their lives. Neither should we. As Mary Katherine Gallagher would say..........

"SUPERSTAR!"
"DARE TO DREAM"

Become HAPPIER and "WHOLE"ier

"You are MORE remarkable than you can EVER imagine.
You will only EVER be as remarkable as you CAN imagine."

I sent this, or something like it, as a text to someone last night going through a tough time and feeling down on themselves. I'm not really sure I should be using "quotes" though. If it's wrong to misquote someone else, I can only imagine what it means to misquote yourself.

"When I was born I wish my first words would have been 'quote', so when I died I could have said 'unquote'".

- said by Steven Wright, or something like this was said by Steven Wright. I'm probably misquoting him........

But hold on, my story gets better ("quoting" Eddie Izzard). The interesting thing about this wonderful message of belief and confidence in another is WHO I sent this to.

It was to my EX-wife.............I am SUCH a kool kat!

I have come to believe if you want to really live, you have to really forgive. This doesn't mean tolerating behavior that's inappropriate for you and your life. It means letting go of the pain from the past and moving on with your life.

I am very happy with myself that I can still believe in everything she can be, without feeling I'm letting her or the painful memories back in my life. Part of the reason I exist is to make the world a better place, to whomever I can, no matter if they make mine better or not.

If they make it miserable, then they go on the outside of the healthy boundaries I've established for myself (what I will and will not tolerate). And I don't make their lives miserable in return. Instead I live inside my own boundaries and laugh and play with those in it.

I've realized I can live in this world with my arms and heart wide open without becoming a punching bag.

God I wish I would have known this years ago.

But that's what pain is for, to make us smarter and stronger, happier and "whole"ier.

And as I silently observed myself hitting the "send" button on my fone, I realized I was on my way to becoming whole again, like I was when the Universe sent me here, completely perfect as I already was.

(And so was Audrey, my big sister. Love ya, Darlin'!)


"There's Zen in Fire."

And you can quote me on that. - Adam Stuart