2007-12-02

The Price of Unconditional Love

Your face, blanketed in such soft sunlight,
eyes resting peacefully,
arms embracing the last of morning's slumber.

I'm in love.
I can't go away.
I should leave you alone.

Still, I kiss the tips of your fingers...
And whisper in your ear...
Just how much,

I love you,
And feel so incredible
when you are near

You have no idea,
what your love allows me to do.

With your love...

...I can conquer the world

- Adam Stuart (2007)

*This is a true love story, just without a happy ending yet. Every time I walk by the classroom she used to be in I still feel like I'm being hit by a truck, knocked off the universal cliff and hanging to the side by a very thin thread. My son saw Beowulf with his step dad and told me he kept seeing me, slaying monsters and dragons and never giving up, no matter how hopeless it seems or what happens to me.

I'm trying to convince myself it's more beautiful than sad.... telling him I'm in love with his sister, as I am with him and Bella, and simply love sick being away from her. And it's been the painful experience of having her taken away from me again that might just be the thing that solidifies my belief that...

...NO MATTER HOW THIN THAT THREAD IS THAT WE'RE HANGING ONTO IS, IT WILL NEVER BREAK.

WE WILL BREAK BEFORE IT DOES. WE WILL GIVE UP AND LET GO BEFORE IT WILL.


Sofia thinks she's coming back to daddy's school when she turns six. I don't know what to tell her...

I don't know what to tell Taneicea either, except that nothing about her is ugly or worthless, as she has thought from the beginning of the year.

All I can do is tell her one more time, and then send her silent thoughts of beauty and love.....I'm too tired to do anything else, to write one more paper, to answer one more call or email, to love one minute longer, yet too...I don't know what...to give up.

(By the way - I just noticed the book in Taneicea's library folder is a mid 4th grade book....she's catching up....she's catching up)

Just as I'm somehow not giving up on two students who have made miraculous progress, and then gotten themselves suspended by reverting back to bad habits. It would be easier to just give up on them. 88% of the class earned an author's birthday party. That kind of success is amazing, incredible by anyone's standards.

The problem is that the two who weren't part of that ARE incredible too, and it's not acceptable to be left out. We don't leave ANYONE behind. Trash gets left behind. No one in class is trash...not even when they act like it. I don't care if I have to make them more afraid of me than they are of the monsters in their world, they will learn to overcome and defeat them.

But living in this world has taken it's toll. I know nothing will kill me, but I am more than tired, and hanging on by a very thin thread.

I don't know how to continue surviving unless I raise one hand and give the finger to the devil , telling his demons of self-doubt, fear, worry, and the impossible they can't affect me.

I raise the other and hand my heart to God, wanting to give it away once and for all, asking the Universe to do with it as it sees fit. I know it's unbelievable love that's keeping me alive and allowing these miracles to happen.

With your love...

...I can conquer the world

I've just gone well beyond my limits, feel tired of giving even though I know I can't stop now, and have to be content to keep fighting in this Netherworld for others without seeking reward. That is the honest price of unconditional love.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

wow, there are no words to describe how I felt when I read this, it is awesomely beautiful and the thing is that as I was reading this I felt your pain:(