Brighter and Better

It's so funny how new people bring new insights,
And how new insights bring new meaning, and new understanding.

I was replying to a comment left on "Going to Bed with Audrey and Waking up with Gilda" and was inspired to write this post.

And - a - this - is - a - how - it - went:

Anonymous said...

Real women do exist....I am living proof!

3/06/2007 09:40:00 AM

Adam Stuart said...

For my sake, and all the good men out there, I sure hope so!

I truly believe that honesty, respect and fidelity are not too much to ask, just too much from the average woman.

And that's OK. "Average" is so boring anyway!

3/13/2007 01:09:00 PM

And that's when the big "A-HA!" happened. It's simple.

Saying "I love you" is so much more than saying just three words (see "Saying 'I Love You'"). In fact, it's hardly "saying" anything at all. Love is a do, an emotion, a commitment, a promise......... a choice to be made when you AREN'T in a loving mood.

I ..................promise to respect you even when I'm angry.

Love...........will keep me honest to you when it would be easier to lie, even when this might cause discomfort or pain, such as when I am attracted to somebody else and wondering if we're meant to be.

You............will be the only one I share myself with, even when I'm feeling tempted by or attracted to another, or feeling lonely and left alone because you and I are going through a difficult time. I will never be unfaithful to you as long as I am in this relationship.

*Thank you "anonymous" for your comment. It connected with something inside of me that gave me insight, which I hope connects with something inside of the person reading this right now and gives them insight, whom I hope passes this or the message along to make a connection with someone they know and giving them insight, who passes it along ............

.....who knows, perhaps all these connections can make the world brighter and better. Mine is.

Happy Valentine's Day to YOU

To you, my friends, who power the world and create goodness in it with this most mighty and majestic of all emotions, LOVE. We all have it. Some of us have so much of it we are like the great Zeus standing atop Mount Olympus, passing bolts of love and appreciation around the world. We can do this because we have great love for ourselves inside of ourselves, and feel great.....And the world is much, much better for it.

Others are at the bottom of the mountain, complaining about the lack of love in their lives and feeling lonely, especially on this day. Involved in codependant relationships, playing the ineffectual roles of the rescuer, the dominator, and the victim. I've been there, in this dark and lonely place.....and it is terrible. For three years after my separation and divorce I lived as a hermit in a cave at the bottom of the mountain, waiting for someone to come in and love me, just like so many of us do.




It wasn't until recently that I realized as long as I continued to wait for someone else to love me I would never have long-lasting love in my life. As you'll read below, love never comes from outside of yourself. And no matter how much or how many another(s) love you, you will never see it because you do not love yourself. That is why this MUST be a Happy Valentine's Day to YOU. What follows below has changed my life and I feel compelled to share it with you.

It doesn't matter how much love you give out either. Giving out love can make you a great lover, and it still won't matter in the end. It's more than just being with the wrong person. I've placed woman on top of the mountain while worshiping her from below, working hard to meet her every need, and ending up with a heart attack at age 35, all in the name of love. But this was just giving away my power to another who couldn't appreciate it. Love can kill, and if it doesn't kill you physically it certainly can do it emotionally, making us unavailable, unwilling, and/or unable to trust in love again. (see Patty Boy Blemur)


I've survived motorcycle wrecks, being stalked by a mountain lion, attempted muggings, stopping child abuse by confronting abusive parents, tackling a man pulling a gun on me, etc........but the thing that has come closest to actually killing me both physically and emotionally has been love... or woman.....or loving a woman.

Actually it's been loving someone more than I loved myself, putting all my love into trying to make another happy, which literally nearly drained the life out of me by attacking my heart. After four days of tests and being confined to a hospital bed the doctors were amazed I had no permanent damage, telling me I was "very lucky and had been given a wake-up call" (working three jobs, going to school at night, sleeping two nights a week, etc).

So love, no matter how great, DOES NOT conquer all, because you can't make another happy, only they can do that for themselves. But love for yourself does conquer yourself, and what you'll read below was the missing key to gaining control over my own thoughts, my own happiness and my own self-love. There, I've figured it out. It's sorted. It's the lack of love that can kill you, lack of love for yourself.


I really wish someone would have shown this to me years ago. If the lessons I've learned so far in my short but adventurous life are meant to be passed on, then pass on I will. For those of you who need this, I pass it on with love. For those of you who don't, please pass it on to those you know that do. Love IS amazing, mighty and majestic. Let's all make this wonderful world a more loving place by loving ourselves more, THEN passing it on outside of ourselves.

I am a human being being human, in the process of becoming what I am truly meant to become, as we all are. I want to live fully while I am still alive (see Live Out Loud, Completely!) and make others' lives better as our paths cross, beginning with each and every one of the children who call me "Dad".

Thanks TJ for passing this on to me. I now pass it on to all of you.


RELATIONSHIPS AND ROMANCE - by Louise Hay

Hunting for love doesn’t always bring the right partner because the reasons for wanting love are unclear.


We think “Oh, if I only had someone to love me my life would be so much better.”

Change this to “Oh if I only had myself loving myself my life would be so much better.”

There’s a big difference between the need for love and being needy for love.

When you are being needy for love it simply means you are missing love and approval from the most important person you know, yourself.

You may become involved in codependent relationships that are ineffectual for both partners.

You can never create love in your life by talking about or thinking about being lonely.

Feeling lonely and needy just pushes people away.

You cannot heal a relationship in your life by talking about or thinking about how awful it is now.


This only puts the attention on the problem and not the solution.

You want to turn your thoughts away from the problem and create new thoughts that will produce a solution.

Arguing for your limitations is just resistance and resistance is only a delay tactic.

It’s another way of saying “I’m not good enough to have what I’m asking for.

THE FIRST RELATIONSHIP TO IMPROVE IS THE ONE I HAVE WITH YOURSELF.

When you are happy with yourself then all your other relationships improve too.

A HAPPY PERSON IS VERY ATTRACTIVE TO OTHERS.

If you're feeling a lack of love, THEN YOU NEED TO LOVE YOURSELF MORE.

No criticizing, no complaining, no blaming, no whining AND NO FEELING LONELY

***** It’s your choice to feel lonely.

It means being very content with yourself in the present moment, and choosing to think thoughts that make me you feel good now.

There is no one way to experience love, for we all experience love in different ways.

For some of us to really experience love we need to feel love, being hugged and touched.

For others we need to hear the words “I love you”.

For others we need to see a demonstration of love, like a gift of flowers.

Our preferred way of feeling love is often our most comfortable way of demonstrating love.

WORK ON LOVING YOURSELF NON-STOP.

Demonstrate to yourself the wonderful ways you are now loving myself. Treat yourself to romance and love. Take yourselfself out to dinner and a movie, bubble bath and massage.

Show yourself how special you are.

Pamper yourself. Surround myself with plants, colors, textures, scents, etc.
Candles, music, drawings......

As you grow in an inner sense of love and romance, the right person to share your growing sense of intimacy will be attracted to you like a magnet.

If you want to go from loneliness thinking to fulfillment thinking then you need to think in terms of creating a loving mental atmosphere within you and around you.

Let all your negative thoughts about love and romance just fade away and fill your thoughts with love. ************************

Think of sharing love and approval and acceptance with everyone you meet.

When you are able to contribute to the fulfillment of your own needs, then you WILL NO LONGER BE CODEPENDENT ON ANOTHER.

It has to do with how much you love yourself.

When you truly love who you are, you stay centered, calm and secure, and your relationships at home and work are wonderful.

You will find yourself reacting to various people and situations differently.

Matters that were once desperately important won’t be that important anymore.

New people will enter your life, and perhaps some old one will disappear.

This can be scary at first, but also WONDERFUL, REFRESHING and EXCITING! (SEE "Saying I Like You So Much" for a father's advice to his daughter on finding real love and really living)

Once you have this clear in your mind and you know what you want in a relationship, you will then be ready for a healthy, intimate relationship.

To do this though you must go out and be with people. No one is going to appear at your doorstep. Go to support groups, night classes, etc.

>This enables you to connect with people who are like minded or involved in similar interests.

It is amazing how quickly you can make new friends.

Be open and receptive, and the universe will respond to you for my highest good.

Think happy thoughts and you will be a happy person, and everyone will want to be with you. All your current relationships will improve. *****



POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS FOR LOVE (say these in first person)

I WILL ALLOW THESE AFFIRMATIONS TO FILL MY CONSCIOUSNESS, KNOWING THEY WILL BECOME TRUE FOR ME, AND I WILL PRACTICE THEM OFTEN AND WITH JOY.

FROM TIME TO TIME I ASK THOSE I LOVE, “HOW CAN I LOVE YOU MORE?”

I CHOOSE TO SEE CLEARLY WITH EYES OF LOVE.


I LOVE WHAT I SEE.

I DRAW LOVE AND ROMANCE INTO MY LIFE AND I ACCEPT IT NOW.

LOVE IS AROUND EVERY CORNER, AND JOY FILLS MY ENTIRE WORLD.

I REJOICE IN THE LOVE I ENCOUNTER EVERY DAY.

I AM COMFORTABLE LOOKING IN THE MIRROR AND SAYING, “I LOVE YOU. I REALLY LOVE YOU.”

I NOW DESERVE LOVE, ROMANCE AND JOY, AND ALL THE GOOD THAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER ME (and wants to offer me).

I AM SURROUNDED BY LOVE. ALL IS WELL.

I AM IN A JOYOUS, INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH A HEALTHY PERSON WHO TRULY LOVES ME.

I AM ATTRACTIVE AND EVERYBODY LOVES ME.

I AM GREETED BY LOVE WHEREVER I GO.

***** I ATTRACT ONLY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

I AM ALWAYS TREATED WELL.

*** I AM VERY THANKFUL FOR ALL THE LOVE IN MY LIFE.

I FIND IT EVERYWHERE.

Saying "I Love You"

I think I'm such a fan of old films because it takes me back to a time when everything seemed..... more I guess; more genuine, more authentic, more real. Saying "I Love You" was more than just three little words. It was putting into expression the painting of all the heaven you felt inside, and all with only...three...perfect ...brushstrokes.
It's hard sometimes not to feel like this type of artwork isn't valued anymore. It's like we're wandering around the streets of Paris and no one wants what we have to offer. The only time what we have goes up in value is after we're dead, or gone.

This morning I went downstairs to get my coffee (Mornin' James). I'm out of coffee so I had tea (Do I look English to you)? I went back upstairs (gonna be tough to "Live Out Loud" today Mr. Dean) and turned on my music.

Keane's "Is it any Wonder" was on. As I listened to the lyrics I began to stare at myself in the mirror, and then reached for the remote to record the lyrics that were quickly haunting me.

I always thought that I knew
I'd always have the right to
Be living in the kingdom of the good and true
....But now I think I was wrong.

Is it any wonder I'm tired?
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight?
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right?

Sometimes it's hard to know where I stand,
It's hard to know where I am,
Well maybe it's a puzzle I don't understand.

Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm
Stranded in the wrong time,
Where love is just a lyric in a children's rhyme.

I've been feeling like I've been born in the wrong time for years; different, strange, valuing the wrong things, nothing more than a spirit wondering this Earth trying to do good and make people's lives better. Since August I've had a poem in my head called "The Warrior Stands Alone" that I hope I never write.

We all have our moments of weakness, when we doubt ourselves and the lives we're leading, and I was doubting mine. But then 4,500 years of wisdom traveled to me from Ancient China, 2,000 years before Confucius:

"Do what is right and you will be fortunate
Don't do what is right and you will be unfortunate
Our results are just shadows and echoes of our actions."

- Counsels of The Great Yu, 2,500 b.c.

All I had to do was ask myself if what I was doing is right. Just like in Groundhog Day with Bill Murray, life only really works out when we are honest with ourselves and others, and see ourselves as deserving of health, wealth and happiness (throw in "and a golden crown in the New Year" and you have my family's Polish New Year's Eve tradition).

If not, if we continue to set aside our dreams for someday, thinking money and possessions are all that matters, if we lie to others and manipulate them for our own selfish needs, we will be very unfortunate in the end, seeing our "shadow" and waking up to the drab of a dead new dawn, in the same unsatisfying jobs, relationships and circumstances, over and over, in the never-ending bleak winter of our lives.

But every day IS a new day, a "new life to the wise man". It's another chance to learn from our mistakes and begin creating a brand new life for ourselves, in all areas. Being healthy, happy and wealthy is possible and does exist, but only for those people who "do what is right".

When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.

Harriet Beecher Stowe
(1811-1896)

How much more encouragement did I need? Jimmy Eat World's "The Middle" came on and I began dancing to the lyrics. Taking a cue from my 12 year-old daughter who takes silly pictures of herself, I did the same (You make me smile Stina. Thank you).

Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out.
Just do your best, do everything you can.

It just takes some time,
Everything, everything will be just fine,
Everything, everything will be alright,
Everything, everything will be just fine.

Then guess what? I heard those three little words again, in a way that made smile with belief and laugh with confidence that what's been true forever is still true today. Saying "I Love You" can still mean something more, something real. And if love can be real, for yourself, for your children, family, friends and that soul mate we all seek, then EVERYTHING can be real, and life CAN BE more authentic, more genuine, and more real.

In "Four Weddings and a Funeral" Charles (Hugh Grant) runs after Carrie (Andie MacDowell) and eloquently professes his love:

Um, look, sorry, sorry

Ah, I just ummm

This is a really stupid question and uh

particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion

but uh….i just wondered by any chance

uh, um, I, I just wondered

uh, I really feel

um, uh, in short

ah, to recap in a slightly clearer version

umm, in the words of David Cassidy in fact

um, while he was still with the Partridge Family

uh, .....I think I love you

(*that's 75 words, and um, sounds, before saying it)

and uh, uh, I, I, I just wondered well by any chance

you wouldn’t like to, uh, ahhh

ahh, no, no, nah of course not

I’m an idiot

Excellent, excellent

Fantastic, I’m so sorry, hey lovely to see you

Sorry to disturb, better get on

BUGGER!

Carrie responds, “That was very romantic.”

Well I thought it over a lot

I wanted to get it just right

And as if it couldn't get any better, at one of the wedding receptions Charles turns to an elderly gentleman to introduce himself:

- How do you do? My name's Charles.

- Don't be ridiculous. Charles died years ago.

- Must be a different Charles, I think.

- Are you telling me I don't know my own brother?

Later, at one of the four weddings, this same man enters the church and is is asked:

- Bride or groom?

– It should be perfectly obvious I’m neither. Great God!