2010-04-10

There's No Way in Hell


I was taking Shanghai for a long walk, wondering how in the hell I'm going to get through this. It took me four times to read the three-page court document because I would get so filled with anger and deep negative emotions I had to stop and walk away from it.

Phone call after phone call to different agencies turned into a run around. I finally found out how to file an appeal and now have to wait 6 to 7 months for it to be heard. In the meantime I'm selling my belongings and thanks to the generosity of my friend and neighbor, moving into the extra room in his apartment.


During my walk I kept experiencing waves of shock and anger, feeling like a fool for seeing the best in the world only to get knocked down by it, and beginning to doubt myself; who I was and what I was all about. Maybe I should dream a little smaller, live a little less fervently, give less of myself to this world that can be so ugly sometimes.

But I know if I do this, so will others around me, including my children.

Then I remembered this speech:

I think my problem is believing too much in others who don't believe enough in themselves. I know that just because the seed hasn't sprouted yet doesn't mean it's not right below the surface. So I keep believing and keep giving to the idea of their growth.

Just then a jet flew overhead and I stopped and watched it intently. The further away it got the louder I heard this in my head: "Yes! That is my jet. I'm headed to Greece to visit the places where Pericles thought and talked because I'm close to understanding how he changed the way humanity had governed itself up to that point, liberating and empowering more people than ever before, and furthering human evolution.


I figure this out and I can help change how humanity has educated itself up to this point, liberating and empowering more people than ever before, and continuing this evolution of the human mind and spirit ." (This is a terrific student who received an F from me last quarter for less than terrific effort. She took full responsibility for her grade, learned from it, overcame it, and rose above it. She now has an A+ this quarter.....and feels incredible about herself.)


After the jet disappeared I laughed at how big I can still be inside when it feels like the world is closing in all around me and crushing me into dust. I've been practicing focusing all my thoughts and feelings on only the great and powerful things in life long enough now that I think I only know how to truly dream, do and be big.


I say we create more of a heaven on earth by developing the strength and spirit of the Ancient Spartans, so that all those around us are protected from harm and allowed to live freely....


And combine that with the higher intelligence and deep appreciation for truth and beauty of the Ancient Athenians, so we live at higher levels of life and love....


And do create a better world, an incredible world....a world we have yet to see but desperately need. One we currently can only imagine for ourselves after we're dead, calling it Heaven.


Our matter and energy is in the here and now, and where we direct this determines how our space and time looks and feels. Einstein gave his life to teach us this. Yet we still react to what is instead of creating what could be.

It's probably due to how we educate ourselves, and Einstein hated school. He felt it was too much covering the subjects and not enough uncovering the mysteries behind things like math and science. His brain grew before and after school, not during.

My parents are angry with me for believing in this utopia that doesn't exist; that every person can be good and helped to think and live at higher levels, while making myself suffer in the process (what parent likes to see their child suffer?)

Einstein's father died thinking his son was a failure. So if I am being a fool at least I'm being a big one. I'd rather struggle and die for a beautiful dream than sit around wallowing in an unacceptable reality waiting for someone else to change it someday. What else am I going to do with my life?


As I kept walking, pictures of the great time Sofia and I had just had over Easter weekend slowly played in my head. I felt all the love that we shared. All the happiness that was created in the midst of an opportunity to feel only despair.

And even though she had said, "See Dad, a family can live just fine without milk", thanks to Liz, a truly wonderful person, I can buy her milk when she comes back next weekend.

And I realized that there is no way in hell I can get through this.....with hellish thoughts and feelings.....



But there is a way in heaven.....with the highest thoughts and the highest feelings....

There IS a way in Heaven to hold on, I just have to have the inner strength to hold on to this and believe as big and passionately as Martin Luther King did with his dream, no matter how difficult holding on to that dream can be.


On Friday Sofia wasn't at school and I missed her deeply, beginning to imagine her not being there anymore and feeling waves of hurt growing inside. So I drew a picture and love note and took it to her room. Her classmates gathered around and helped me decide where to hide it.

I didn't realize until just now, but having the strength to do that affected them too. In their eyes that one action showed them the world can be, and is, a wonderful place.....a heavenly place.....It just takes a little creation. (Dancing together to Frank Sinatra Thursday before school)

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