BEND ~ BUT DO NOT BREAK

I'm trying hard to understand what's going on. Sofia's mom sued me for more child support and won. The court date was during state testing so I wrote a letter to the court, filled out my financial information showing I couldn't afford to pay more, and even made a phone call the day before.....but I was not going to not be there for my students during a time they needed me the most. How they did on this test is now the sole determinant of where they're placed next year.

Her mom said she had nothing to do with it, that all she had done was file welfare papers after her employer locked her out of the office and fired her.

I would like nothing more than to lock her out of my life.

I don't know what she said to the judge, but I now have to pay more than twice what I was paying before, the court costs, etc, while she drives around in her Mercedes Benz with her $750,000 home.

I've already been living without heat or air and only 2 to 3 of the switches in the electric box switched on. And now I'm losing my apartment.

Luckily I have a friend willing to let me move in if I share expenses.

I've dedicated my life to bringing out the best in myself and those around me. I had a third God dream where I actually die and am taken to a room because God wanted to meet me. He stood up when I came in, smiled and shook my hand.

He told me He loved watching me live with so much passion and higher purpose, but His Son was right about me breaking too many rules, questioning too many things, and crossing too many lines regarding human limitation that aren't allowed to be crossed, and that I had to go to Hell.

I told Him I understood. I hadn't done any of these things to get something from others or even from Him. I had simply given everything I could to make others lives better. Doing the "right" things to try to get into Heaven would be the ultimate manipulation.

As I got to the door He said the Devil had already sent out an email and notices with my picture saying, "No matter what this guy says, you DON'T have a chance in here!"

I smiled and asked God if I could bring my dog with me. He laughed out loud and said, "Yes! That will drive the SOB crazy."

Next thing I know I'm in a line to get into Hell. There's a nerdy guy checking everyone in one-by-one. When he calls my name I knock the clipboard out of his hands and head in on my own. Somebody grabs the guardians(?) and tells them to let me be. I find an empty dingy, dark, black and red room and slump against a wall down to the floor, petting Shanghai with one hand and holding a beer in the other.

And this is where I sit for all of eternity.

So now I'm asking myself if this is where I am. I'm losing my small and already inexpensive ($725/month) apartment. I gave up business to build lives as a teacher. I put off my masters degree to make sure my students were fully prepared for the tests and now have to start over. Worst of all, when Bella came over last Sunday to drop off her hamster before going on vacation with her mom she had her cheer makeup on. When I asked if she had come from a competition she said, "We didn't tell you because we know you can't afford the entrance fee ($30)."



Now I have an onslaught of millions of cells splitting each second with receptors for all things negative, all things doubtful. And I feel very alone and foolish in this world.

I'm not sure I'll share this. People don't like it when I'm down. But if I do, it's to share another story of another person who felt like breaking, felt very close to breaking, but something inside of him wouldn't let it happen.

I give abundantly with everything I'm abundant in. I know someday I will also be able to give abundantly monetarily. If you or someone you know is able to give now.......I........there aren't enough words to say how much it would be appreciated.

It might mean simply being able to see my kids compete...........and my love for them is greater than my pride and ego.

If you're able to help, for the rest of this month my address is:

Adam Stuart
511 S. Summerlin Ave
Orlando, FL  32801

We hear stories of successful people telling us how they went through really tough times in the past. This is a story of someone going through really tough times in the present. And if I can somehow manage to hold on to everything that makes me good, and change whatever it is about me that has created the bad......then anyone who reads this can too. Thanks to Suzi for sending us these tickets to Disney.



I'm rooting for me. To change the weather inside I have to start by rereading my own work and return to Living in a Theory of Love.  Today is Great Grandma Bette's 91st birthday. Still being alive is reason enough to hold on. Being completely, positively and powerfully alive until the day you die is a gift.

It's the juggling with the struggle that develops your gifts.