I Use it as Fuel For My Dreams

If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.

-Unknown

Sometimes you "build" a door by knocking down the wall in front of you. Doing this takes great inner strength, and total commitment, two requirements I have for my students. I think by the end of September everyone had "knocked down" at least one of their "walls".

The classes on both sides asked us to stop (including my son's), the booming sounds being too distracting. Even Brosden has asked me just exactly what we do, because it sounds and looks like anything but traditional "learning" (he came in while I was rocking out to The Godfathers, unphased since I'm this way at home, and naturally started playing a golf game on probability I had prepared.)

Before he left I put in Sinatra and made him serenade the class with me.......and I wonder where he gets his crazy warrior, wildly romantic zest for life......

Usually after morning announcements the crew listens to "Birth, School, Work, Death" (The Godfathers, 1988 - London) while writing in their reflection journals. I want them to practice taking responsibility of their own learning by determining their greatest needs for that day and matching it with the data I have on each of them. This personalizes individual instruction and truly seems to internally motivate, being that they are collaboraters with versus simply "employees" being told what to do, how to do it, and when to do it....Hence the significance of the song.....Birth, School, Work, Death......

This song/journal exercise helps "grab" their hearts and minds to make that total commitment to using this day to step bravely and intelligently in the direction of their greatest selves, uncovering their biggest weaknesses, and truly spending the day turning those weaknesses into strengths (and great dance moves...go Luis...go Luis...)

Last week when the song ended I would put some of their new school photos up on the big screen and spontaneously break out in a hilarious Adam Sandler, SNL impression, saying such things as

I'm Smiley Boy. Look at me. I like to smile. I'm smiling so much I look like a plastic smiley doll......Buy my plastic smiley doll for your kids so they smile too.....Buy one for those frowney neighbor kids next door, and make it a smiley world!

I'm Happy Boy. I'm so happy I have happy written all over my face.....I'm learning so much and feeling so good I can't help but be happy....Be a happy boy like me!

I'm Happy Boy too. I've finally changed from just being a good little, do-as-I'm told student, to somebody who actually understands what he's learning and able to use it for higher thinking. I am now free to roam the room like a learning scientist today. Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty I am free at last! Come on and be free like me!

I'm Bill Gates. I think school is boring. I'm dropping out of Harvard and going to work on computers in my garage. If school's not fun and interesting, then it's a waste of my time. I'm determined to Do Big and make Mr. Stuart's class fun and interesting for myself.....and then own the world like Pinky and the Brain (obviously the voices start changing to match the characters).

Hey! Little Billy Gates, Smiley Boy and the Happy Boy Twins.......I'm Scary Man, now get to work. Ya'll can laugh in this class as much as you want......but ya'll better be working too. Don't think I'm not watching you.....

I did other voice impressions for the girls' pictures but can't remember what they were. All I know is everyone was laughing, including me, which I couldn't believe because by noon each day I miss Sofia so much I feel as if blood is pouring out of the open wound in my chest, and I'm just too tired to try and stop the bleeding anymore, and I drop my hands to my sides, ready to just quit.

Oddly, everytime this happened last week, I would see a pair of hands come up and cover my wound for me, and I would grab hold of them and press them against my chest. Maybe it's God, an angel, the kind words I've received from family, friends and readers...maybe it's the Universe realizing it might have tested me a little too much this time....I don't know. But I'm grateful for those hands.

I then put in Andrea Boccelli and close my eyes, and begin to see pictures of an Italian countryside..... and feel as if I'm riding on a horse, with this unknown person to my side just out of my view. It is so vivid and real I feel as if perhaps I'm vibrating it into existense.....or maybe this is just a preview of what my heaven will look like. Either way, I hold on to this place until it's time to open my eyes and pick up the kids from lunch, and give again, finding out we are all capable of so much more than we think we are....much more than we can even imagine....and I am grateful for this latest challenge. I do not like it, but the battle is evolving me ever onward and upward.....

So.....as I begin a new week, I lift myself up and wipe the blood from my face...and smile as I get ready to head out the door. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I am stronger. I can't imagine anything happening today that will kill me, especially my spirit. Just like you, I am limitless...I am deathless.....Bring On The Pain.....I use it to fuel my dreams.

I don't want to ever sleep, so I can keep you forever.
- Kwaidan (1964 - Japan)


(Line I heard from a movie this morning...and just felt it resonate within.)

IN.....with you

I am IN with you son
Whenever you are near
IN a place of total peace
And as happy as I've ever been

Nothing else matters
When I hold you IN my arms
All our troubles are vanished
And we are IN zen

I am IN with you son
For the rest of all time
I am here for you forever
And with you I am IN love

- for my beautiful son Brosden, from his beautiful feeling father, Adam


Love rules the court,
the camp,
the grove,

And men below,
and saints above:

For love is heaven,
and heaven is love.

Sir Walter Scott
(1771-1832)

I'm not so sure that heaven is a place "up there" we need to try to get to.

It exists in my home as we dance in the mornings to Sinatra and go to bed with Harry Connick, Jr.

There might not even be a God "out there" putting plusses and minuses in his laptop to see if we get into heaven.




Maybe, just maybe, heaven exists in the moments of our lives when we are IN love.

And I know I see God in the faces of my children and hear angels sing in the sounds of their laughter.

Perhaps God and heaven are right here, already with us, if we can just open our hearts and see it.

In This ONE UNITED WORLD...We Stand

Tomorrow is another day

Another chance to see the light

Another chance to do things right


Tomorrow is another chance

To better love those in my life

To finally end all the ridiculous strife


Tomorrow......Never came after 9-11

And will no more

And it is a great shame


And since then no more tomorrows

Are no longer coming

For more and more everyday


In a war which should wake us up

To those of us who do wake up

To the preciousness of life


With the courage to do what is right

Which is not to fight

Against our fellow man


But instead fight for peace

With a hug and a handshake

And see 9-11 as life shaking us awake


My God is better than your God

Says man as he charges ahead

With a rock, a spear, a rocket, a plane


My religion tells me to kill you

My "religion" based on the philosophy of enlightened men

And turned it into a killing religion after they are dead


Religion used as an opium for the masses

As Karl Marx said so enlightened

Whose is now dead


So why not use his philosophy

Make him a God and start a religion against all religion

And start killing people over it in his name


"God" Damn it!

It's time to stop

This battle between man and his "gods"


Seeing salvation as outside of himself

Seeing Heaven up above

And Hell down below


Instead of where they really exist

Heaven inside one's own soul

And hell created in one's own head


It's time to start living united

And living as one

In this ONE UNITED WORLD........




We Stand.....and hopefully continue to live.



- Adam Stuart (2007)

Entertaining God - Part 2

As Christ, Buddha, Ghandi, the Dalai Lama and even Zoroaster have said in one form or another, "With our thoughts we create our world." So I started thinking how I made it through the day before, hoping for inspiration to make it through another, and really thriving in life and helping others do the same versus just trying to survive in it.

I had gotten up at 330 to get caught up on my grad school research/writing. Didn't get nearly enough done before the coffee had worn off and time was running out to get to the gym before picking up Sofia for school.

Answered a few emails before I left and felt a new surge of energy from the positive thoughts of the messages I read.

Took that energy to the gym but at the end of the workout was staring at the 90 lb. dumbbells in front of me, wondering how in the helen of troy I was going to have the strength to lift them.

Started calling out the names of my students in barbaric yalps with each rep, thinking that if I could have the strength to lift these weights I could lift my students for at least one more day.

Finished and stumbled into the showers, mumbling a good morning to the anonymous old man next to me. Was greeted back with an explosive "Hello! How are you doing this fine morning young man?" Felt so uplifted by his good energy I started talking to him and found out yesterday was his 84th birthday. A BIG Happy Birthday to my new friend, Sandy Graves.

Took the energy I got from Sandy and gave it to my Sofia as she ran into my arms when I picked her up. Told myself I'd get things done on the 45 minute trip to school but found myself listening to her tell me all about her latest dream and everything she was excited about at school. Her excitement gave me the energy to give my full presence to a parent meeting before class began.

Found out this parent is truly dedicated not just to his son's education, but education in general, giving me hope that I'll stop being seen as unique and exceptional when he said that the way I teach should be the rule versus the exception. Gave me hope that I'll stop being seen as a renegade teacher who has impossible energy and that ALL children will be seen as and taught as if they are gifted, because THEY ARE!

Welcomed my students to class, fired up to have another day of positive creation, only to find out the 2nd and 3rd highest readers of the class in terms of effort are in the principal's office for a fight that involved being thrown over bus seats and bloody mouths.

All that effort being thrown away in one moment of loss of control and now in danger of getting themselves suspended. All that energy on all three of our parts now wasted. Felt glad I was so physically drained from the workout because I really wanted to throw a desk through the wall........

To Be Continued.........

Entertaining God

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. - (I don't know who said this but their sense of humor makes me laugh inside as much as the look on Bella's face and Sofia constantly flipping her sticky hair off her neck because it was so hot, which of course Brosden and I imitated to perfection until she ordered us to stop.)

Last night I got nothing done that I told myself I "needed" to do when I got home. I promised my son I'd play ONE game of Four Square, which turned into 40 games of Fun and Ridiculous Squares, Circles, and Hearts (Sofia's favorite shape although she "can't draw them berry well yet".)

By the time we were done playing I was so sweaty and tired that I took a shower and fell into bed, unable to do any of the many things I "had" to get done.

So when I woke up today I felt as if I had failed in some way, and that the walls before me I couldn't climb yesterday were now higher higher today. Sound familiar?

I honestly wondered if I wasn't anything more than a tiny little hardworking ant, and a source of great entertainment to some God up above.

I started to question the purpose of it all, ............until I looked at these pictures and the sleeping faces of the children I had co-created into this world. (I began writing this Friday morning but ran out of time to finish).

Still, I was less than confident that I could have the energy to give to everyone and everything in my life today. I had given away too much the day before.

Then I heard this from Wayne Dyer, paraphrasing:

Sages do not collect anything. They give everything, and the more they give, the more they have to give.
- Lao Tzu from the Tao Te Ching

So my challenge today, as is all of ours, was to be a little wiser, a little more "sagier", and a lot more likely to knock down the walls before me before the walls before me collapsed down upon me.

To Be Continued.........

The Power of Life

Life is like a flower and blooms just the same.
It has to be protected from harm and fed with love;
love for yourself and love for others.
Life is much more than a shallow game for fame.

Bloom Fully.
Bloom Free.
Bloom and Be the Most Beautiful Flower,
You Can Possibly Ever Be.

Have the Courage to Do This,
and Give Others Courage to Bloom too.

Have the Strength to Believe This,
and Together Give the World a more Beautiful Hue.

- Adam Stuart

I wanted to say a quick hello to a friend who had sent me a nice message a few days ago. I noticed on her MySpace page she was "angry" (and believe me, she has good reason to be, and the reason she first contacted me).

As I began to type I was looking at a picture of a flower, and the above poem flowed out, replacing the intended quick "hello" (I added to the poem as I was writing this post, feeling more, flowing more). Beauty is being redefined for me all the time, and I want to thank all the beautiful people who awaken me, nourish me, inspire me, and cause me to think differently. This is done with your words of thanks and appreciation, inspiration and encouragement. And some of you do it without ever having to contact me, just by incredibly being incredibly who you are, already blooming as your most beautiful selves.

Believe me when I tell you, these things mean more to me than I can measure, taking the $4.50 my body is worth chemically and helping me make my spirit truly priceless and invaluable, as it should be. The trouble is we're all only worth as much as we believe we are, by how much we think we are worth in this world. So we irrationally pursue money, fame and material possessions as this measure of how worthwhile we are, ignoring our inner dreams and inner growth. There is NOTHING WRONG with money, fame and possession, only in HOW it is attained, and at what cost? But that's another write for another time.

Rich and famous, poor and anonymous, far too many of us feel worthless, trying to live up to media images of what we should be, while tearing down those still unafraid to pursue their own inner dreams. I've felt as worthless as anyone in the not-so-distant past, and am now only just beginning to really feel the pricelessness and uniqueness of my own soul; like I did when I was a child and told I could be anything I wanted to. I believed it then, and am beginning to believe it again, and believe it or not, you're helping me believe it.

The person I was responding to this afternoon had commented on my "There is Zen in Fire" post, asking me how I "...stay so positive in such a world." Although my comment back was a positive and short one:

"by learning to live in the now, this moment, in zen - and then in this moment fully, think, see and expect ONLY what I WANT and not regretting the past or fretting the future. kinda like dreaming big, doing big and becoming big (my class motto 4 my students) "

As I think of the cause of her anger, I am enraged, and not being able to do much about it right now, want to expand on my answer in hopes of shedding light and possibly strength for all of us to keep fighting the good fight, no matter how hopeless and futile it may seem at times.

I want to say that it's not easy, it's Hoover Dam hard, and is a daily choice that needs to be made (Sofia and I had just watched Madagascar, where I got the "Hoover Dam" line from :-).

My darling 5-year-old was the last to go again this time, and cried in my arms yesterday, saying she wanted to see her mommy but wanted to still be with me. I stayed with her, dancing with her and holding her, holding back my own tears while trying to convince her how wonderful it was that we love each other so much that it hurts this much to leave. I reminded her to look at the moon and know Daddy was there looking at her, watching her, protecting her, and loving her. This only seemed to hurt her worse as she squeezed more tears from her eyes and buried her face in my chest.

As I got on my bike and headed to class, I didn't want to hurt, I wanted to hate. I didn't care that it could be worse and that others have it worse. I cared that my child had to go through this, that I had to go through this. I couldn't pretend not to have this pain. It was real and it was gripping. I punched my handlebars and roared my way to class 30 minutes late. When I came home I saw her unfinished animal crackers still on the dining room table. I wanted to pretend she is upstairs sleeping (I can't seem to change the "is" to "was". I think I'm still pretending she's here).

All I want is to crawl into her bed every night and wrap her in my arms, whispering "Daddy loves you" until she turns and wraps her small arms around my neck like she does when she's here.

But as I looked around and had to deal with the reality that she is gone, that all of them are gone, I set my helmet down and felt myself becoming the thing I hate, the thing I fear. It is "The Warrior Standing Alone.

Bleeding so much on the inside it seeps out of his skin and onto the ground from his fingertips. Raising his face in the night rain and screaming for the gods to stop the pain. Going into his cave and rolling the Hittite's clever stone. Covering the entrance and keeping the world from causing him more pain.

Exhausting himself fully living, he has finally run out; out of energy, out of love, out of belief or spirit. And for what? There is no one there to love him now, no one there to fill him back up. He has learned to trust no one, other than the heart of a child. For the sin of being himself and trusting others, he has been punished by both God and Zeus.

Looking in the mirror and seeing only Sisyphus, he realizes he has been condemned for eternity to push a monstrous boulder up a hill all day only to have it fall back down the next. He has accomplished nothing, tried but failed, and now only tired and frail. With the last of his life force dripping out of him like blood from his fingertips, he holds one solitary hope of a warrior, that a good death finds him in the end, by the way he lived before that meeting takes place."

- Adam Stuart (I'm embarrassed to claim it, but unapologetic for my feelings; their painful depths letting me know just how alive inside I still am)

These are foolish and dangerous thoughts, and proof to me that no man is an island, that no person can go it alone for too long. And it is your comments that give me the strength to go on sometimes when I need it most. We need each other if we are going to survive, no matter how positive or smart or strong we are separately.

It is also proof to me that the devil lives no where else and is real no where else other than inside your own head. My own thoughts and fears, brought on by pain and exhaustion, will be the living death of me, my strength and spirit, if I am not strong enough to fight it. I will end up giving up, and going through the motions of life, becoming a member of the already too-crowded walking dead.

Combine this depth and hardness of emotion with doing deep meditation and (foolishly?) hard-core Navy Seal and Animal© workouts to release this pain and frustration, and I'm really waking up feeling not so good sometimes. If I want more, I have to become more, which includes using pain instead of letting it use me.

There will be pain as long as there is life. Let me allow it to make me grow, and not avoid it by hiding in the temporary escape of drugs and drunkenness, night-time TV and strangers in the night, wallowing in self-pity and playing the victim, or tearing down and hurting others just so I can feel better. None of these can offer me any healing or permanent change. The problems will still be there, and that Hoover Dam boulder will be back at the bottom of the hill again.

So sometimes I wake up saying "Shitaki Mushrooms" sometimes (another Madagascar line - my students might read this so I keep it clean for them). How am I going to do anything today? How am I going to enjoy life and fight the good fight? A sense of humor helps quite a bit, as does music that makes your body move, and listening to or reading some enlightened being's words that clear the clouds of everyday life from your head.

But the greatest power that powers life is love, self-love being most important. Love is never outside yourself. We can't get it from others, only connect to its vibrations from others by opening our own hearts to ourselves. No matter how much others send us loving vibrations, we will never feel them if we don't first feel it from ourselves.

So on those days I wake up without that get-up-and-go or in my children's AMAZING love flow, it's the beautiful flowers blooming in the form of your wonderful comments that give me my answer to how I'm going to live today:

By allowing myself to believe in myself at least as much as others do
and by believing in myself more than others who might not do.

My time on earth is short, and I can become myself or become forgotten. And for one more day I can deal with the pains of life in ways that bring change, evolution and greater pleasure to my mind, body and soul. And I can start now by THINKING ONLY of what I want, SEEING ONLY what I want, and EXPECTING ONLY what I want to happen. Just like building wealth or a relationship, getting in shape or getting a pilot's license, it's created from daily creations.

Let's do as much as we can, giving as much as we can to ourselves and others, and we will find others giving back to us when we need it the most. And together we will nourish each other and create a more beautiful world .

And it won't be so hard to stay so positive in such a world. I'm willing to fight for that, to fight for love. It is The Power of Life.