Crashing Into Christmas

I made this music player at MyFlashFetish.com.


I've received so many nice messages, wishing me well, and that I'll get well. My recent response to a good buddy seems to sum it up perfectly.

"Thx amigo - all is good - i just gave 2 much 4 too long - and ended up crashing into christmas - LOL - better than holding back and having an armful of regrets"...(gifts I wish I would have given out).

I simply took a risk, "flying off the swing" too high, trying to give all that was needed to be given.

I didn't leave myself any strength or energy for the landing....and crashed into the Christmas tree.

I ended up in bed on my first day of vacation by 1pm, alternating being sick, sleeping, and playing board games with Brosden n Bella.

But, as my son just said, "bad things can become good things", and Ithink it's fantastic to have "run out" of gifts to give by Christmas...

...Versus just beginning to give on Christmas.


Bella just put in Singin' in the Rain, which always picks me up for some reason. Thank you baby girl. I wouldn't have survived as long as I did without the daily love hugs from you and your brother.

May everyday be like Christmas, with everybody unafraid to fully live, giving their gifts to everyone else everyday.

This way the "most special time of year" is felt year-round, and no one is crashing into Christmas, unable to fend off a large jolly guy in a red suit trying to give him CPR.

The Door to Deathlessness

For those who are ready, the door

To the deathless state is open.

You that have ears, give up

The conditions that bind you, and enter in.

- Majjhima Nikaya


Since Sofia has been withdrawn from my school, I've gone through a withdrawal myself. I miss seeing her everyday, I miss bringing her home with me when I don't have grad school, and I miss her taking over my bed at night.

I was joking with a friend that when I had a queen-sized bed my kids all laid on top of me and I had to learn to sleep without moving. Now I have a king-sized bed and even when it was just Sofia, she would still lay on top of me and I had to sleep without moving.

Now that she's gone, and I have the entire bed to myself......I can't sleep more than 30 minutes a night. For some reason when I lay down, my stomach feels so bad that I think I'm going to throw up. I'm out of energy by noon, don't answer emails, and until today have had no desire to write.




She spent the night on Thursday for the first time in over a week, and I slept with her in my arms for 10 hours.

As big as this painful and physically sickening void within me is, there's also a growing peaceful and powerful space developing inside. It's true that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Instead of anger and bitterness, I feel indifference towards the one who took my daughter from me.



Instead of becoming jaded towards all, I realize not all people can possibly be this way.


And instead of thinking I need to love less and be less vulnerable, I see the great power of being in love and the beauty of being totally vulnerable to it...and I love more.



Through this experience I am realizing I am more than I ever thought I was, and that although this has affected me physically....




.....it is only strengthening me spiritually.




I am ready to enter the deathless state, and it's time to go through that door and start loving myself as much as I love others.






(Sofia LOVES pillows, and I have them EVERYWHERE in the house.) I miss you Baby Girl, and will only love you more when we're together.

Happy Birthday to My Beautiful Bella Butterfly

For nine years
you have warmed my heart,
touched my life,
been my sweetheart.



For nine years now
you have made my life great,
blessed me with love,
made my heart inflate.





With you in my life,
I would like to update,
the numerous ways,
that you've been first-rate:






You create,
a better me.







You locate,
true love I can see






You narrate,
a story of joy,
a story of laughter,
a story to enjoy.





You needn't try,
you just are,
the best birthday girl,
and a BEAUTIFUL BRIGHT STAR!


Happy 9th Birthday Baby Girl,

Daddy loves you!






Beautiful Bella Butterfly
So very pretty in her daddy's eye

Flitter


Flutter


Flitter
Fly



Dancing, playing in the sky




Eyelashes made of butterfly wings

She smiles at me and makes me grin





Twirling, swirling and turning again

She blows me kisses and makes me spin


This little butterfly is a work of art

The little ways about her landing on my heart

She asks me to watch her; I don't tell her to wait

Treasuring each moment before it's too late

There is no tomorrow there's only today

As one day she'll turn, and smile, and fly away......

Daddy, Look at Me!

I'm thinking of writing a book on parenting. It will consist of one page with one word on it. The title will be "Daddy Look at Me!"

On page one it will say

"Look".