Samurai Teaching ~ Sensational Living: The Door to Deathlessness

2007-10-27

The Door to Deathlessness

For those who are ready, the door

To the deathless state is open.

You that have ears, give up

The conditions that bind you, and enter in.

- Majjhima Nikaya

Since Sofia has been withdrawn from my school, I've gone through a withdrawal myself. I miss seeing her everyday, I miss bringing her home with me when I don't have grad school, and I miss her taking over my bed at night.

I was joking with a friend that when I had a queen-sized bed my kids all laid on top of me and I had to learn to sleep without moving. Now I have a king-sized bed and even when it was just Sofia, she would still lay on top of me and I had to sleep without moving.

Now that she's gone, and I have the entire bed to myself......I can't sleep more than 30 minutes a night. For some reason when I lay down, my stomach feels so bad that I think I'm going to throw up. I'm out of energy by noon, don't answer emails, and until today have had no desire to write.

She spent the night on Thursday for the first time in over a week, and I slept with her in my arms for 10 hours.

As big as this painful and physically sickening void within me is, there's also a growing peaceful and powerful space developing inside. It's true that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Instead of anger and bitterness, I feel indifference towards the one who took my daughter from me.

Instead of becoming jaded towards all, I realize not all people can possibly be this way.

And instead of thinking I need to love less and be less vulnerable, I see the great power of being in love and the beauty of being totally vulnerable to it...and I love more.