Love is Killing Me

330 am - "woken up" after another sleepless night - my arms and legs searching for Sofia in the covers and pillows on the bed- now Guns n Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle" blaring from the radio -

thought of students I could play this song for - although the class averaged an unbelievable growth on the latest big science assessment- as much as all the other four classes combined, 5-8x as the traditionally taught classes, and nearly 2x that of the gifted class - and my "reward" was being called into the principal's office to hear about a parent wanting their child out of my class because I'm not teaching in the traditional way -

still, all I can focus on is the four students who didn't show great growth - how can I turn this "failure" into a turning point of success for them? Maybe use this song as a call for them to "get bad"???

but how can I even try though when there's something evil sitting on the end of my bed, with my heart in its hands, ripping it in half and throwing it on my chest....saying, "There you go bud. Would you like some coffee with that? Let's see how long you last today, warrior. Start off with no inner strength whatsoever."

coin flip - as I watch it in the air I try to consciously choose which side it will fall...will I fight or will I quit?

there are many gods..and they're all sitting around placing bets on when I'm going to break


we grow up thinking success and victory comes from having great confidence and heart and energy

the truth is it also comes from this place, surrounded and drowned and nearly suffocated by great weakness, despair and pain.....

as my heart is emptied, so is my mind - the trash, the things keeping me from the only thing that matters, the present moment, is being emptied - if i don't, i die - i give up, i quit - because i simply can't take this pain -

sometimes you have to lose your mind before you come to your senses

the body's strength is nothing - it's very limited - I've taught each one of my children how to defeat me - Brosden uses Shaolin Chin Na to manipulate my joints, the girls use Jeet Kun Do to lift me off of them easily by applying pressure to my inner and outer ear

from my experience, a man's body has a few basic purposes:

1. to play with his children (this weekend in the park I discovered I'm still faster than my son and my new dog - and yes, I'm happily bragging)

2. provide pleasure for his lover

3. protect those in need

other than that, the only other reason I can think of for being in good shape is to take great adventures like traveling the world; climbing mountains, scaling cliffs and doing crazy stuff

so where do I get the strength to fight today? my heart is .......it just isn't here right now.......at best I feel love sick for my daughter...appreciating how deeply I can feel for another human being

at worst i feel as if the gods are placing bets on when I'll break...it just being too "damn the gods " too much...and I just don't want to be forced to grow and evolve any more...that I have too much going on right now to handle this....too many demands on me right now to take this....

and realize all I have, all I and we ever have, is "right now".....and in a few hours my right now will be with my class as their teacher.....and then being in my class tonight as a student.....and need to have the strength and courage to be in the right now

anyone can give up...and too many do........ somehow I am grateful to be alive, pain and all, when 160,000 of my fellow humans had their final day yesterday, and would probably do anything to be in my shoes....and I'm determined not to just make it through this day.....but to live it fully, although having no evidence that I can

what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, even when we wish it would so we would stop hurting so much...

....let's screw the gods and the devils and take this day on fully, as much as we can for as long as we can.......if it doesn't kill us....we're more than when we started.....either way, we win....a true warrior isn't afraid to die....and a true warrior allows himself to feel great pain when something he loves is taken away....Mother Theresa still is my number one warrior

looked in the mirror and said to myself, "You can do this."

And I know the truth is that my life, my entire life, depends on making that come true......now...............today..................ugh.........



love is killing me....but it is still the greatest thing I know